Mister Sandman bring me a dream....

I've been trying to get Sara to go to bed for the night since her last feeding at 8 o'clock. (Since she is awake, she has eaten since then.) It is now midnight. And she's crying her eyes out. I feel like crying, too. I've done everything I know to do. She's been burped, changed, rocked, fed again and I even gave her gas medicine- just in case. I know she's fine. She stops crying immediately when she sees the hall light flip on or her door opens. She smiles at me when I go to her. So, yeah....she's working me and winning. How does she know about this? I'm really confused! Have we 'spoiled' her?

She is now in the throes of 'crying it out'. I have mixed feelings about this. My husband is very much for crying it out and he told me early on this evening that she was fine; that she just didn't want to go to bed. I wasn't sure though. Just letting her cry and cry is very hard for me to do. She has this ear piercing, blood curdling scream. It's so awful. She only (until tonight) cries like that when she is in pain. For example, she will cry like that when she has gas, or when she gets a shot...it's quite pitiful. I had to make sure she was taken care of before letting her cry it out.

So...here I sit. Screaming baby. I soooo want to turn the TV up to drown out the sound. Haha. I also want some peanut M&Ms. :)

It's hard when she doesn't go to bed when she is supposed to. She doesn't nap all day long....well okay, she does. She takes 3, 20 minute naps a day. 20 minutes does not a nap make! (Any tips to get your kid to take a nice 2 hour nap in the afternoon?) Someone told me that she doesn't nap because she sleeps through the night. I just don't think this is true. She gets up anywhere between 5 and 8...so you can't tell me that she's not tired the whole day.

I used to think that women who whined about not getting 'me time' were selfish. It seemed to me that you said 'adios' to 'me time' the moment that cord was cut! Well, today, I get needing 'me time'. I sure could use it right about now!

It seems as though Sara has finally fallen asleep. I win. :)

How cool am I?

That's right! Your eyes don't fool you! I've surrounded my table and cookies with saran wrap! Call it lazy if you want. I call it genius! I'm too tired to pack it all away in containers, not only that, but also, I DON'T HAVE ANY CONTAINERS! So...that was my best compromise. The cylinder on the right are peppermint cookies, so I had to separate them...can't have their minty goodness seeping into the other cookies.

I'm currently downloading iTunes to my computer so that I can download the Wintersong CD by Sarah McLachlan. I love that entire album and can't believe it's not part of my Christmas collection. I'd rather have a 'professional' CD, but all of the stores are out-unless I want to drive to Portland. Which I don't. Also, I want it NOW, Amazon is good, but not that good. So, I'll download iTunes and burn my own CD.

My little Sara is getting so big. She is the light of our lives. I still can't believe she is ours and yet I can't imagine life without her. She's so fun and darned adorable to boot. I'm excited for her first Christmas; or our first Christmas with her. What a gift we've been given! It just makes me smile. And thank God over and over and over. She is so precious. I miss her when she is sleeping or if I leave her with her daddy to run a quick errand or do something with a friend. I just want to hold and cuddle her and cover her sweet little face and head with kisses. I left her with Jay a few weeks ago to see a movie with a friend. I had a knot in my stomach the entire time. I just wanted to go home to them.

Sara is growing like a weed. I'm sure she'll need a twin bed by her first birthday. She's so tall! Her 0-3 month clothes are all too short for her long little legs. She's not chubby or anything, so they fit her belly, but she just looks silly with her ankles hanging out! I didn't realize the LACK of 3-6 months clothes that I have. I got her some 'for Christmas'. I'll be doing some shopping at Once Upon a Child here in the next few weeks. (I love that place!) She is all about her mouth right now. 3 months old and everything she can grab, which isn't much, gets shoved in there. She loves to suck on her bicep. It's pretty funny. She loves to suck on her stuffed animals' noses. She'll suck on anything. I think we're in for it when she is a little more mobile. She's a fairly serious baby. She smiles, but we usually have to work for it. She coos and babbles a little. I get worried that it's not enough though. But I have to remember that she is still young and that these things take time. She's rolled over a few times and giggled out loud a few times...she isn't consistent yet with either. I'm looking forward to the next few months and all of the new things she will do.

Ah iTunes downloaded and Wintersong is playing...beautiful!

Sara wishes you all a Merry Christmas! Especially Deacon. Wink, wink!

'Holiday' cards.

A few years ago, my cousin and I found each other after losing track of each other for probably 5 years or more. It's a long story of how we 'got back together', but suffice it to say that we are both extremely grateful to be 'together again'.

We spent the first few months catching up on what we had missed in each other's lives and misconceptions we had about each other. We realized that we still had so much in common after all of the years that had gone by. It was soooooo good to have my cuzzy again. She got married in June of 2006; around the time Jay and I started trying for a baby. Well, she and her husband wasted no time trying for a baby.

We became 'trying' buddies. Each month we would commiserate another month gone by with no baby. One thing that was really hard on us both was receiving photo cards at Christmas. You know what I'm talking about. The kind with everyone in their holiday best; mom, dad, kids 1-4, a dog, and a partridge in a pear tree. We weren't begrudging anyone their families, but it broke our hearts that we were having such a hard time having a baby when it was so easy for practically everyone else we knew. A couple of years ago my cousin decided to rip up any family photo card she received (LMAO) and she told me to do the same. Which I did with some. It felt great! If you haven't struggled with infertility, you probably won't understand this and may even think we are mean and terrible. Oh well. We did what we could to cope at the time.

Fast forward to 2009; she and I are proud parents of daughters! We thank God every day for these precious miracles. We are amazed that we both got to have our girls in the same year. She's got 3 (triplets...pray for her sanity); and you all know that Sara Michelle is our little miracle. The other day, she and I were chatting online and she told me she ordered a family photo card to send out. I hadn't thought to do this because I purchased some really cute cards after Christmas last year, I soooo was not expecting to have a baby. Anyway, I was just going to use the ones I bought. But after a few minutes of chatting with her, I realized that I needed to order some too. I think part of it is healing the wounds infertility has left behind, and part of it is, well, showing off my family, not only that...but it's our turn to send out a family photo card!

Have a very merry Christmas, everyone! As you light your living rooms with candles, tree lights, and the love of your children, light a candle and pray for those who struggle with infertility. Christmastime is tough on them.

And to my precious cousin, Merry Christmas, Darling! It's our turn now!

So glad you could join us.

It's been awhile. I know. Just call me Hector Neglector. It's not that I haven't wanted to blah-g. I haven't had the time, nor have I known what to say. But blogging isn't about knowing what to say. Most blogs are about random, mundane things...the stuff of every day life. So with that in mind, I will do my best not to neglect my blog anymore.

First things first, we must catch up on the last 2 months.

Sara is walking. Okay, well, not walking exactly, but she can smile! Oh boy, can she smile! Her little smile is so precious. Here, I'll show you:

Sara is the spitting image of her daddy. She even has blue eyes; and they are soooo blue, that we are fairly certain that she will be our 'blue eyed girl'. Her hair is growing in, it's pretty dark and so are her long eye lashes. She does have my mouth and her smile is exactly like mine was when I was her age...so I guess she's not the spitting image of her daddy. She is beginning to sleep for longer stretches at night, which is LOVELY. As much as I love being with her, I do not love getting up in the middle of the night. She has to have her 2 month shots this Thursday. I've been really torn about whether to put it off, or to do them as scheduled. We've decided to go forward with them. Don't misunderstand me,(many people do), putting off immunizations is NOT THE SAME as not having your child immunized at all. With Jay's line of work, there is a small chance of him bringing home illnesses and we want little Sara protected, so we are having her immunized on time. I'm nervous, so nervous it makes me sick. I've read about how immunizations can cause Autism and SIDS. I guess a more accurate way to say it is that 'they' think that immunizations are linked to Autism and SIDS. Although I know everything is going to be fine, she will be rooming with us for a few nights after and I probably won't be doing much sleeping. All in the line of motherhood.

We've got a big trip planned to California. We leave in a week and we'll be gone for a week. The day after we get back, a friend is coming to visit for a few days. Shoot me! When she leaves, it will be Jay's birthday, then mine, then Christmas! Why does this time of year go by so fast, when summer just drags on and on? We are looking forward to Sara's first Christmas. She'll only be 3 months old, and won't have a clue as to what is going on, but it's still going to be fun. We're getting her-no wait-Santa is getting her a Lilac Bumbo seat and a stocking stuffed with cute toys and pacifiers. :) She already loves Christmas music...okay, she loves music. But we've been doing a lot of singing and dancing to Christmas music; therefore she loves Christmas music!

I had other things to write, but I can't think of them...and I need to call my mom! So with that, I bid you goodbye for now.

Our beautiful girl...

...has arrived!

Sara Michelle

6lbs., 14 oz., 20.5 inches

September 21, 2009

For Libby...

2 days to go!

The way I see it...

Feeling Lazy...

I'm not much for getting things done right now. It's all I can do to sit up straight! I have orders from my husband to just sit and watch TV and play Farmtown all day--but it's killing me--I want to 'do stuff'! He is adamant that I don't go into labor. Our baby is coming on Monday. I'll be having a C-Section and both my OB and oncologist will be there. If I go into labor before Monday, my oncologist probably won't be able to make it, so it's important to keep little Sara put until Monday.

As of now, it's looking like both of my ovaries are going to have to come out. My oncologist thinks that they both have tumors again. He won't know for sure until he gets in there, but he's fairly certain that they are tumors. Given how fast they came back, it's far too risky leave my ovaries in there. They could potentially turn into something aggressive-that can't be treated-I guess a little bit of cancer is still cancer. I'm no idiot...I want to live and be here for my husband and daughter. So we've given the doctor the 'go ahead' to remove my ovaries, unless by some miracle, they are clear. I now understand what heartbreak feels like. Don't be mistaken, we are VERY excited, thrilled, happy, etc. about the baby God has given us. It's just that we are dealing with both of these huge things at the same time. It breaks my heart that I probably won't be able to have another baby.

I've been following a blog, of sorts, of someone whose 5 year old has a brain tumor. I've been impressed by her unshakeable faith and convicted that my own faith is practically zero. Am I still a Christian? Yes-well at least I hope so. Do I love the Lord? Yes. Can I recognize and remember the ways He has blessed and provided for us? Yes. Am I having a having a really hard time believing His plan is good? That I'll be okay and that I'll be around for a long time? You bet. I feel like I can't really be honest about my feelings with most people. They just tell me to be thankful for what I have. How comforting. I AM THANKFUL. They tell me that God is my healer. Oh really? Why do I have these tumors again?? (Thoughts like this make me feel as though I'm headed straight for hell!) They tell me to look forward to the plans that God does have for me and the different route my life is taking instead. Seriously? My whole life I've wanted no less than 4 kids and suddenly I need to be excited that I'm having just one and that my life is taking a new route? Please! My heart is broken! B-R-O-K-E-N!

In time, I know that I will look back on this and be able to see God working. Right now, I'm not seeing it. Well I see it a little, after all, this coming Monday we'll finally be meeting our precious baby girl...our little miracle! Yet at the same time, it's hard not to think about what has been taken away from us.

Even though my doctor gave us a terrible report, we are still praying for a miracle-that one or both ovaries are clear. But if they are not and they have to come out, it will be okay, eventually.